It’s been a long, long, really long time since I last updated this blog, and let me just inform you that nothing much has changed. I am still the same, only intensified. A few changes that have taken place and are worth mentioning are as follows;
1- I finally fulfilled my dream of using the name ‘cynic-unlimited’ for myself somewhere!
2- My tolerance level has lowered, and I am seriously looking for someone who can provide me with a gun, legal, illegal no issues whatsoever. If anyone knows someone who can do the same please contact me on the number 1800-redhotchillipepper.
3- Also, I have a crush on a guy who is way older than me, but age has never been an issue, and this guy seems to know a lot about everything. I give this crush 3 months tops.
4- The world laconic meaning using few words especially to the point of being rude has an excellent and very interesting origin.
5- I almost beat up a guy on law college road, when he was standing in the middle of the street and when asked to move by me obviously came to my car window and asked me a question he never should have, “Do you know who you are speaking to?” Horrible, horrible mistake on his part. My answer to his dim-witted question of course was ‘a pansy arsehole’.
Anyway, like I said all major innate emotions have intensified to a large extent and honestly speaking, I am quite enjoying them. Oh yeah, and one more addition to the above mentioned list,
6- I love being daddy’s little girl. And undoubtedly, ‘My Daddy Strongest.’
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
I found out the hard way.....
There are some people on earth who have everything planned for them from the very beginning. Now, what exactly is the beginning you ask? Well, the very beginning means well before we were conceived, or well before we were even planned by our parents. The beginning is when the good God above planned our destiny. You know like every detail of our life, whether we are going to be born in a poor household, or a dysfunctional yet rich household, or will we be poor at maths all through our life, or be born Doogie Howser’s, or you know whether life will be smooth sailing and perfect, or some unprecedented Tsunamis will occur every now and then….It’s all a mystery to us until it actually happens.
Well, anyway back to how some people are born with their lives planned perfectly for them. People of this category can take any amount of risks that they like and somehow things will fall in place every single time. One can even say that it is individuals like these that always depend on luck, and every single time their luck favours them. They can jump off a cliff without any harness and will still boomerang back. I think it’s because of people like this that people who have an out of the blue kind of life have to rely completely on hard work. People from this category can never go for an exam, hoping and praying and wishing that a particular question doesn’t come. Because if they do, God knows that that very question will not only show its face in the paper but will hold some 15 marks or so! In other words, luck never ever favours these people, not even on a good day!
So you know when the lucky bastards are sitting in their comfortable little chairs one night before the exams going, “I am going to leave this chapter….I am too bored….” They can sleep a fearless sleep, because nothing from that chapter will ever bother them. But, somewhere on a broken little bed, there is this unlucky bastard, who was planned on the day God woke up on the wrong side of his bed, who is studying till the wee hours of the morning, stuffing himself with way too much coffee that is probably burning a hole in his stomach, and has glued his eyelids open, just so that he can outsmart luck.
Anyway hard work is not everyone’s cup of tea. And if it isn’t yours be very happy because you were not planned on the day God had a bad hair day! So when someone says, ‘Hard work always pays’, you know that it better!
Well, anyway back to how some people are born with their lives planned perfectly for them. People of this category can take any amount of risks that they like and somehow things will fall in place every single time. One can even say that it is individuals like these that always depend on luck, and every single time their luck favours them. They can jump off a cliff without any harness and will still boomerang back. I think it’s because of people like this that people who have an out of the blue kind of life have to rely completely on hard work. People from this category can never go for an exam, hoping and praying and wishing that a particular question doesn’t come. Because if they do, God knows that that very question will not only show its face in the paper but will hold some 15 marks or so! In other words, luck never ever favours these people, not even on a good day!
So you know when the lucky bastards are sitting in their comfortable little chairs one night before the exams going, “I am going to leave this chapter….I am too bored….” They can sleep a fearless sleep, because nothing from that chapter will ever bother them. But, somewhere on a broken little bed, there is this unlucky bastard, who was planned on the day God woke up on the wrong side of his bed, who is studying till the wee hours of the morning, stuffing himself with way too much coffee that is probably burning a hole in his stomach, and has glued his eyelids open, just so that he can outsmart luck.
Anyway hard work is not everyone’s cup of tea. And if it isn’t yours be very happy because you were not planned on the day God had a bad hair day! So when someone says, ‘Hard work always pays’, you know that it better!
Monday, June 11, 2007
What goes around comes around....or does it?
I used to believe in the fact that all the 'Karma' before it leaves this world, goes back and bites the ass of those who have done wrong in their life. It was logical, the world is round, things have to come back like a boomerang. But, I don't believe that anymore. I think God's changed his ways a little bit. You know probably trying something new. I think nowadays, this Karma thing has become like a game of 'YOUR IT'. I think when one person does something wrong, the bad karma that the person has called upon himself, gets randomly thrown into the direction of any other living being, it could be a nice little boy riding his bicycle, or it could be a little, ugly mouse nibbling on his cheese. So, now this other living being has to pay for the sins of someone else in this world, and once he pays the price the bad karma passes on. So, all the energy in the world is being conserved in this way, and through the misery of all the innocent in the world, God gets to test his hypothesis! Now, the problem here being, my sweet, little, polar bear resembling pomeranian is a victim, and she has a mammary tumor, which is a result of someone else's sin, it could be mine, or it could be your's. I can say this with complete confidence because, I know Candy for 14 years now and she has never gambled, or gone drinking frivolously, or bit someone without any valid, legal reason (she only bit me once on my nose, because I was really pissing her off with an annoying dance, but all this was a very long time ago, so let us all vow to never bring this up!). I hope God reconsiders this plan of his, and realises before it's too late that this experiment is failing miserably. So, for the sake of guilt, that it could, maybe be your sin that has caused my baby this pain, just remember her in your prayers. That is all that I ask.
Although, at this time, I can recollect this one specific line I heard in a movie, that goes something like this;
' The reason why God burdens you with sorrows is not because it is a test, but because he knows you have the strength to endure it'
Although, at this time, I can recollect this one specific line I heard in a movie, that goes something like this;
' The reason why God burdens you with sorrows is not because it is a test, but because he knows you have the strength to endure it'
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Beating around the BUSH!
It's been a really long time, and I know that the few readers that I pay have missed me terribly. Afterall they are missing their sole source of steady income! Anyway, so just to update you guys on what has been happening in boredomville. I have started serious contemplation about my future, and I am living a nightmare! I keep thinking about all the entrances that I have to appear for, and how my future at this point in a small way atleast lies in the hands of a cheap, Indian, whose aim in life is to send more and more Indians to a country that chose a monkey as their President! So, I went to the Dilip Oak's Academy(!) to find out about the GRE, and how I can enrol myself into his classes, and I was shocked at what my eyes were forced to see! His entire office of two floors, is decorated with one, universal, singular theme, which is AMERICA!, blue, red and stars, everywhere you look, that is the only thing you will see! And when you sit in his office, along with other shameful monkeys like yourself, and look around, you see, a large, blown up, FRAMED, map of America! Even the bags that he gives the reference material in, is decorated in the same fashion. Another hilarious, as well as shocking fact is, even his own name, DILIP OAK has America in it all the way! The Oak from Dilip Oak has stars, like the ones you see on the American flag, and you can't help but wonder what an arse this man is!
The middle-class families have big dreams, they want opportunities to work for them and they are ready to work hard for that, and this man banks on these dreams. He doesn't impart education, he sells America! And yes, I will be joining his class in the next month, because I also have a dream, and no opportunities here in my country, but that doesn't change the fact that I am going there solely because of the lack of opportunities and not so that I can settle there as a cranky, obese, NRI, who sends money for her family every month. I don't know whether the classes are worth it, and I don't know if Dilip Oak is an inspirational teacher(although all my sources say he very much is NOT), but I do know that unfortunately, this guy, in a smalllll way holds my future in his hands.
The middle-class families have big dreams, they want opportunities to work for them and they are ready to work hard for that, and this man banks on these dreams. He doesn't impart education, he sells America! And yes, I will be joining his class in the next month, because I also have a dream, and no opportunities here in my country, but that doesn't change the fact that I am going there solely because of the lack of opportunities and not so that I can settle there as a cranky, obese, NRI, who sends money for her family every month. I don't know whether the classes are worth it, and I don't know if Dilip Oak is an inspirational teacher(although all my sources say he very much is NOT), but I do know that unfortunately, this guy, in a smalllll way holds my future in his hands.
Friday, May 18, 2007
TOODLES!
Good-bye friends! I am scheduled to leave for the land of the sizzling sun, beautiful beaches and cheap alcohol, in approximately 3 hours, i.e, 4 a.m!!! And I absolutely can't wait to reach! I'll miss you earthlings, as I embark upon this journey to heaven!!!!!! weeeheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Finding myself in a cookbook....
Whether you believe me or not there is an annoying side to a grandma. She is not always the one who tells you bedtime stories and makes the best food in the world, or the one who knits you the warmest sweater in the world, or the one who gives you the best oil massage in the world. Sometimes she is just plain annoying. She always treats you like a baby, always tells you what to do, looks at you like you are an alien if you wear jeans for some pooja, and if you dare to walk in front of her in a strappy spaghetti, that's the end of all mankind, for all the Bhagwad Gita's and all the Bible's and the Quran's then come out of the closets and the God is summoned in different languages, just so that, miraculously, a polo neck sweater falls on you and covers your body!!!
My Granny is not as exaggerated as I made all the others out to be, but she isn't very different either. She is almost 5 feet tall, almost 50 kgs, and she almost always forgets what we tell her. She blames me for not tellin her things even if she forgets them herself, and feels , almost insulted everytime I'm not at home for lunch or dinner, and holds it against me until I come home for my next meal and she gets a chance to over-serve me again! She wants to do everything she is told not to, and with every growing year, she is becoming a stubborn, lovable, child, who sometimes just gets on your nerves! She shouts at me sometimes just because she wants some attention, and repeats the same thing a 100 million times, and more until I do it in front of her own eyes!
It was one of those days, when she had told me to do something trivial for the 1500th time already, and I was minutes away from literally pulling out my hair and doing the rain dance, when I found myself.....in a cookbook. She was sitting close to me, looking for new recipes in her almost ancient cookbook, when she took out a little red envelope from page number 159, 'aluchi vadi'. She asked me to look at what she took out of that red envelope. It was an old photograph of me and her on a nice, calm beach in Goa. It was her, younger, stronger, still almost 5 feet and almost 50 kgs, with a big, happy smile, and eyes fixated on me, small, chubby, almost 3 feet, and not to forget, a hilarious hat! When I looked up at her, the only thing she said was, "You and me!" and the only thing I could do to hide my tears was to mask it with a big, happy, smile.
My Granny is not as exaggerated as I made all the others out to be, but she isn't very different either. She is almost 5 feet tall, almost 50 kgs, and she almost always forgets what we tell her. She blames me for not tellin her things even if she forgets them herself, and feels , almost insulted everytime I'm not at home for lunch or dinner, and holds it against me until I come home for my next meal and she gets a chance to over-serve me again! She wants to do everything she is told not to, and with every growing year, she is becoming a stubborn, lovable, child, who sometimes just gets on your nerves! She shouts at me sometimes just because she wants some attention, and repeats the same thing a 100 million times, and more until I do it in front of her own eyes!
It was one of those days, when she had told me to do something trivial for the 1500th time already, and I was minutes away from literally pulling out my hair and doing the rain dance, when I found myself.....in a cookbook. She was sitting close to me, looking for new recipes in her almost ancient cookbook, when she took out a little red envelope from page number 159, 'aluchi vadi'. She asked me to look at what she took out of that red envelope. It was an old photograph of me and her on a nice, calm beach in Goa. It was her, younger, stronger, still almost 5 feet and almost 50 kgs, with a big, happy smile, and eyes fixated on me, small, chubby, almost 3 feet, and not to forget, a hilarious hat! When I looked up at her, the only thing she said was, "You and me!" and the only thing I could do to hide my tears was to mask it with a big, happy, smile.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
NICE-ITY!
First of all, NICE-ity is not a word, so don't strain your mind, you all are still intelligent. This is just a thing I have been doing for awhile now, and I recently found out it's called neologism! Cool no? An art as stupid as creating your own words and using them on a regular basis, actually has a name of it's own and an identity of it's own in Psychology! Do Not Worry. This entire post is not about this interesting art so please read on.
Sometimes, I am really shocked by the nice-ity in people. In this cynical world, full of cynical people and cynical values there are some genuinely nice people and their existance really shocks me! Now I don't mean to be a preacher here, by saying there are some people who help the homeless and others who take care of the stray dogs, and some who donate extravagantly to charities. I mean the everyday, daily, mediocre, mundane nice-ity! I mean when a person you know allows you to park your car in her parking space anytime of the day or night, just because of your silly insecurities about your car being stolen, it's nice! Or when a friend, who has the prerogative to study whenever she wants wraps up her studies as soon as possible just so that she can lend you the text one day before the exams, it's nice! And when a friend buys you pens minutes before the exams, even when you can't and doesn't even remind you of the money, it's nice! Or when a friend comforts you by entertaining all your frantic calls right before the exam even when in reality your just wasting her time, it's nice! And when a friend spends hours to bake an extra yummy chocolate cake with gems on them just for your birthday because you can't stop talking about the advantages of chocolates in life constantly and are not so subtle with hints, it's really nice! And when a friend walks with you from one place to another in the hot sun to complete YOUR work (even when her work is done), while listening to your insane abuses about the education system, it's nice!
And it's shocking that in my twisted, little life I managed to meet such really everyday, daily, mediocre, mundane and insane NICE people! Love you guys.
Sometimes, I am really shocked by the nice-ity in people. In this cynical world, full of cynical people and cynical values there are some genuinely nice people and their existance really shocks me! Now I don't mean to be a preacher here, by saying there are some people who help the homeless and others who take care of the stray dogs, and some who donate extravagantly to charities. I mean the everyday, daily, mediocre, mundane nice-ity! I mean when a person you know allows you to park your car in her parking space anytime of the day or night, just because of your silly insecurities about your car being stolen, it's nice! Or when a friend, who has the prerogative to study whenever she wants wraps up her studies as soon as possible just so that she can lend you the text one day before the exams, it's nice! And when a friend buys you pens minutes before the exams, even when you can't and doesn't even remind you of the money, it's nice! Or when a friend comforts you by entertaining all your frantic calls right before the exam even when in reality your just wasting her time, it's nice! And when a friend spends hours to bake an extra yummy chocolate cake with gems on them just for your birthday because you can't stop talking about the advantages of chocolates in life constantly and are not so subtle with hints, it's really nice! And when a friend walks with you from one place to another in the hot sun to complete YOUR work (even when her work is done), while listening to your insane abuses about the education system, it's nice!
And it's shocking that in my twisted, little life I managed to meet such really everyday, daily, mediocre, mundane and insane NICE people! Love you guys.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Still don't believe me?
Another entry in the 'My life sucks and all bad luck is directed towards me by God for some weird reason which no one can explain' daily journal.
Yesterday night when I was studying for my dreadful spanish exam, there was a robbery in my parking, the bloody ruthless bastards stole the stereo from my zen and my honda city. There are 5 cars in my parking of which two are ours and yet the only two cars that were brutally attacked were ours. I don't mean to be mean to the other car owners, but just thought of taking this opportunity to point out the irony in my life. Some people say it's just a sad coincidence, but these are the people who deserve to be electrocuted because they don't know the frequency with which these sad coincidences occur in my life. For all the criminal minds who care to know how this was done, let me tell you it was a job done with perfection. The guy was a professional, and that was quite evident from the way the window was not cracked but lifted out of the crevice(forgive me if that is not the technical term) and kept aside. I went with my mom to the local police station and we lodged a complaint. We needed the official FIR to submit it to the insurance guys and so when we asked the cops for it, he said, in his own special way, "arey khaane ke baad ekdum hazam hota hai kya???" Me and my mom didn't know how to respond so we just gave him our 'family confused look' and he explained, that we would get the same on monday. The other cop there, the suck-up cop, the one who brings the tea and makes the paan cop, and the one who laughs at every non joke of the 'digestion' cop, said "arey madam wo log 100(sau) ki cheez 10 (dus) me bechta madam, 10 me!!!! kuch mehnat nahi karneka na" Anyway, mom and me knew that we are never going to see our stereo systems again. However out of this I just have one small prayer, that I wish those guys get caught and even if they have sold my stereos for 10, I just hope they get run over by a truck in front of my eyes. No matter how brutal and anti-christish I may sound making this request, 'no me importa' because we service sector people also work hard for our luxuries and it should most definitely not be some shitty ass bastards cheap thrill to steal us off our hard work! There, the first statement pertaining to morality (of many to come mind you) on this blog!
Oh and by the way, gave my spanish written exam this morning, I THINK it was ok, but I dont know for sure, because my answers could most definitely be complete ass talk!!! But the nightmare isn't over yet, as the orals are tomorrow! So, I guess until then I just have to 'Dream On'
Yesterday night when I was studying for my dreadful spanish exam, there was a robbery in my parking, the bloody ruthless bastards stole the stereo from my zen and my honda city. There are 5 cars in my parking of which two are ours and yet the only two cars that were brutally attacked were ours. I don't mean to be mean to the other car owners, but just thought of taking this opportunity to point out the irony in my life. Some people say it's just a sad coincidence, but these are the people who deserve to be electrocuted because they don't know the frequency with which these sad coincidences occur in my life. For all the criminal minds who care to know how this was done, let me tell you it was a job done with perfection. The guy was a professional, and that was quite evident from the way the window was not cracked but lifted out of the crevice(forgive me if that is not the technical term) and kept aside. I went with my mom to the local police station and we lodged a complaint. We needed the official FIR to submit it to the insurance guys and so when we asked the cops for it, he said, in his own special way, "arey khaane ke baad ekdum hazam hota hai kya???" Me and my mom didn't know how to respond so we just gave him our 'family confused look' and he explained, that we would get the same on monday. The other cop there, the suck-up cop, the one who brings the tea and makes the paan cop, and the one who laughs at every non joke of the 'digestion' cop, said "arey madam wo log 100(sau) ki cheez 10 (dus) me bechta madam, 10 me!!!! kuch mehnat nahi karneka na" Anyway, mom and me knew that we are never going to see our stereo systems again. However out of this I just have one small prayer, that I wish those guys get caught and even if they have sold my stereos for 10, I just hope they get run over by a truck in front of my eyes. No matter how brutal and anti-christish I may sound making this request, 'no me importa' because we service sector people also work hard for our luxuries and it should most definitely not be some shitty ass bastards cheap thrill to steal us off our hard work! There, the first statement pertaining to morality (of many to come mind you) on this blog!
Oh and by the way, gave my spanish written exam this morning, I THINK it was ok, but I dont know for sure, because my answers could most definitely be complete ass talk!!! But the nightmare isn't over yet, as the orals are tomorrow! So, I guess until then I just have to 'Dream On'
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
This morning I woke up from a horrid dream. Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek were there, even Antonio Banderas was in it, and yet it was a nightmare! It started with me taking a stroll on an extremely crowded street, like Karve road is, and just enjoying the freshly emitted pollutants. When all of a sudden, a sleek, black, Italian car swerves through the traffic, and as I watch enviously, it stops right in front of me after an elaborate skid, and I say to myself, in my head of course, "SHOW OFF!" Before I get time to think any further, the doors swing open and a strong, hairy hand pulls me inside the car, and no one around offers to help (yes I notice trivial issues even in such dire situations) . I look around to find Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz staring at me with a weird grin. I look ahead to see who is driving us and where we are going, but to my horror there is no driver, the car is working automatically (bloody Italian technology, competing with the Germans!). The weird grins turn into evil laughs! Salma and Penelope start conversing with one another in Spanish, not knowing that I'm learning the language too ( ha ha suckers!!). But, their accent is too strong and their speed is too fast for me to decipher what exactly they said. So much for false spanish pride! What I did understand from their serious tone was that they were pissed off!
I look out of the window, constantly telling myself, "Relax, you just won some competition, they are taking you to the Oscars as a special guest." However, I notice that the only restaurant I can see outside is Taco Bell! I suddenly realise how hungry I am. I think to myself that maybe I will ask Salma and Penelope for a quick snack, in spanish to impress them. I think hard. Harder. In vain. Can't form a sentence, so I supress my hunger. The car suddenly stops. Penelope and Salma poke me from the side, signalling me to get out of the car. I feel a dry, hot breeze on my face and look around to find myself in a place that looked a lot like the set of Desperado. I hear footsteps, so I look up and find Antonio smiling at me while eating a taco. He moves aside, to expose a dug up grave. Utterly shocked, I slowly move closer to the grave to read what is written on the headstone, and I scream in horror to read the following words,
' Shweta Shahade
1987-2007
This is what you get for not attending Span........'
At this point I woke up. Most of my friends analysed this as a pre-exam anxiety, but I think it was plain old hunger!
Oh yes! If you all are wondering whose strong, hairy hand it was afterall, it was Salma. Go watch Frida, you won't blame me for thinking this way after you see her eyebrows in that movie!!!!
I look out of the window, constantly telling myself, "Relax, you just won some competition, they are taking you to the Oscars as a special guest." However, I notice that the only restaurant I can see outside is Taco Bell! I suddenly realise how hungry I am. I think to myself that maybe I will ask Salma and Penelope for a quick snack, in spanish to impress them. I think hard. Harder. In vain. Can't form a sentence, so I supress my hunger. The car suddenly stops. Penelope and Salma poke me from the side, signalling me to get out of the car. I feel a dry, hot breeze on my face and look around to find myself in a place that looked a lot like the set of Desperado. I hear footsteps, so I look up and find Antonio smiling at me while eating a taco. He moves aside, to expose a dug up grave. Utterly shocked, I slowly move closer to the grave to read what is written on the headstone, and I scream in horror to read the following words,
' Shweta Shahade
1987-2007
This is what you get for not attending Span........'
At this point I woke up. Most of my friends analysed this as a pre-exam anxiety, but I think it was plain old hunger!
Oh yes! If you all are wondering whose strong, hairy hand it was afterall, it was Salma. Go watch Frida, you won't blame me for thinking this way after you see her eyebrows in that movie!!!!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
I PLEAD GUILTY
It is past 2 a.m, even the dogs outside have stopped howling at each other. My exams are scheduled to begin in less than 2 weeks. I made big mistakes by asking the wrong people, " How are studies going on?" The guilt is eating me alive. There are voices in my head telling me to pick up my economics notes and start reading about public expenditure, but my ass says otherwise. These voices have been troubling me for a very long time. I thought maybe I will share this problem with some friends and they can tell me what to do, share some pearls of wisdom. Bad idea. If only I knew Oscar Wilde or Socrates, instead of people who say, "Arey then study na.", or, " Hmmmmmmm". Getting back to the guilt. I try with all honesty to pick up my book. I explain to myself the consequences, I walk around, from the room to the living room, to the kitchen. That is when I find the solution to my problems, the midnight snack. It is that guilt-free act that ate all the guilt and let me have a peaceful, contented sleep, without any demons creeping under my bed.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Fitness FREAKS!
Observing people of different species (read on, you’ll get what I mean) at your gym can be a very enlightening experience. It provides a deep insight into their lives, and reveals their deepest, darkest secrets. Ok, I maybe exaggerating just a little bit. But, nonetheless it’s a fun activity, and a weird invasion of someone else’s privacy, and they can’t sue you for it!
First of all let me establish, I do not enjoy gym or any other activity that involves movement for that matter. I consider enrolling myself for gym as one of my biggest mistakes in life for which, believe you me I am repenting! Diets are another story altogether. I am against the concept of ‘dieting’ and I just cannot understand why there are people who eat a pea for breakfast, a glass of fresh juice for lunch and a grape for dinner (without any ‘in between’ snacks of course!) and honestly I don’t want to find out why either!
1) THE YOU-WILL-NEVER-SEE-ME-AGAIN SPECIES:
This kind usually includes AUNTIES who roam around the gym in apprehension. They derive their name from the fact that after the first day of workout they never come back! This type is more often than not coaxed by their better halves (so to say!) to get FIT! However, after the first day of working out, and sweating it out, and pumping some iron, they find their bodies worth much more, and decide to stay at home since then. The easiest way to know who falls under this category, is to spot the people with an unusual amount of sweat on their forehead, most of which is out of anxiety of first day of gym, and the one’s who are dressed in the most expensive, perfect gym clothes.
2) THE JLO-IS-JEALOUS-OF-ME SPECIES:
First of all, to observe this kind you have to master the art of subtle observation, and straight face keeping! If you want to hear the entire conversation (for educational purpose of course) you must be capable of the aforementioned qualities. Now, this species is constantly found conversing with others pf their own kind. They have the innate ability to recognize a decrease or increase in the weight of the others. They live on discussing recipes of different salads and juices. The members of this clan are fairly easy to spot, as they always walk in groups, and look like they are on an all-time endorphins high! However to really enjoy this species and to completely invade their privacy, one must listen to their conversation, which is pretty much on only one topic (no prize for guessing!). “Oh my God! I don’t understand what you eat! Do you survive on air?! You’re so lucky you got jaundice, you could lose all those extra vacation pounds!” says one wannabe, who will never be JLO to another. To know more of such priceless conversations, join a gym!
3) THE FLIRTINI-SHAKEN AND STIRRED SPECIES:
This species is the most difficult to observe, as while you are observing them you lose all sense and sensibility of yourself. So if you plan to observe this kind, take someone along with you, who can rush you to the loo, if the urge to throw up becomes uncontrollable. As the name suggests, this is the kind who think of the gym as a place to socialize. They flirt with the instructors in a manner that suggests, there is no tomorrow, so act as frivolous as you can. And mind you, this flirting is not at all subtle. It is completely in-your-face blatant for the enjoyment of people like me. This kind wears eye-liner, eye-shadow, kohl, long dangling earrings and the most lethal-LIP GLOSS, while working out. The easiest way to spot this species is to look in the direction of the loudest, shrillest laugh.
4) THE I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT SPECIES:
The members of this species were away, looking into a mirror when God was distributing brains. This kind is not so easy to find, because on the exterior they all look like normal beings, but once they encounter a mirror, it’s a whole new form! However, this makes them easy subjects for observation, as the only thing they notice is themselves! This species is found to be extremely self-indulgent and seen to appreciate their bodies in front of mirrors at every opportunity they get. They pose, smile, and flex their muscles in front of the mirror, and some even talk to themselves. If they do not look into a mirror for a fairly long time, it can be quite fatal and hence are seen to go back and forth to the mirror every now and then. The easiest way to look for them is to stand somewhere close to a mirror and wait for the subject to come there himself/herself.
P.S.- These are just a few of many different species that you come across at your gym. To know some more, please do not JOIN a gym, and pay the people there to torture you. Just read this blog for updates ;)
First of all let me establish, I do not enjoy gym or any other activity that involves movement for that matter. I consider enrolling myself for gym as one of my biggest mistakes in life for which, believe you me I am repenting! Diets are another story altogether. I am against the concept of ‘dieting’ and I just cannot understand why there are people who eat a pea for breakfast, a glass of fresh juice for lunch and a grape for dinner (without any ‘in between’ snacks of course!) and honestly I don’t want to find out why either!
1) THE YOU-WILL-NEVER-SEE-ME-AGAIN SPECIES:
This kind usually includes AUNTIES who roam around the gym in apprehension. They derive their name from the fact that after the first day of workout they never come back! This type is more often than not coaxed by their better halves (so to say!) to get FIT! However, after the first day of working out, and sweating it out, and pumping some iron, they find their bodies worth much more, and decide to stay at home since then. The easiest way to know who falls under this category, is to spot the people with an unusual amount of sweat on their forehead, most of which is out of anxiety of first day of gym, and the one’s who are dressed in the most expensive, perfect gym clothes.
2) THE JLO-IS-JEALOUS-OF-ME SPECIES:
First of all, to observe this kind you have to master the art of subtle observation, and straight face keeping! If you want to hear the entire conversation (for educational purpose of course) you must be capable of the aforementioned qualities. Now, this species is constantly found conversing with others pf their own kind. They have the innate ability to recognize a decrease or increase in the weight of the others. They live on discussing recipes of different salads and juices. The members of this clan are fairly easy to spot, as they always walk in groups, and look like they are on an all-time endorphins high! However to really enjoy this species and to completely invade their privacy, one must listen to their conversation, which is pretty much on only one topic (no prize for guessing!). “Oh my God! I don’t understand what you eat! Do you survive on air?! You’re so lucky you got jaundice, you could lose all those extra vacation pounds!” says one wannabe, who will never be JLO to another. To know more of such priceless conversations, join a gym!
3) THE FLIRTINI-SHAKEN AND STIRRED SPECIES:
This species is the most difficult to observe, as while you are observing them you lose all sense and sensibility of yourself. So if you plan to observe this kind, take someone along with you, who can rush you to the loo, if the urge to throw up becomes uncontrollable. As the name suggests, this is the kind who think of the gym as a place to socialize. They flirt with the instructors in a manner that suggests, there is no tomorrow, so act as frivolous as you can. And mind you, this flirting is not at all subtle. It is completely in-your-face blatant for the enjoyment of people like me. This kind wears eye-liner, eye-shadow, kohl, long dangling earrings and the most lethal-LIP GLOSS, while working out. The easiest way to spot this species is to look in the direction of the loudest, shrillest laugh.
4) THE I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT SPECIES:
The members of this species were away, looking into a mirror when God was distributing brains. This kind is not so easy to find, because on the exterior they all look like normal beings, but once they encounter a mirror, it’s a whole new form! However, this makes them easy subjects for observation, as the only thing they notice is themselves! This species is found to be extremely self-indulgent and seen to appreciate their bodies in front of mirrors at every opportunity they get. They pose, smile, and flex their muscles in front of the mirror, and some even talk to themselves. If they do not look into a mirror for a fairly long time, it can be quite fatal and hence are seen to go back and forth to the mirror every now and then. The easiest way to look for them is to stand somewhere close to a mirror and wait for the subject to come there himself/herself.
P.S.- These are just a few of many different species that you come across at your gym. To know some more, please do not JOIN a gym, and pay the people there to torture you. Just read this blog for updates ;)
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
What's your story morning glory?
My story? Does anyone really want to know my story? Im the Romeo from Romeo and Juliet! Im the Desdemona of Desdemona and Othello…Im the orphanage for the kicked out, most hated child on earth that everyone puts up for adoption, BAD LUCK. Some people may think im exaggerating a little, but to tell you very honestly, live one day of your life in my shoes (not really my shoes, because that’s just disgusting, it’s a phrase!) and you will see, how my life is a sadistic comedy!
A typical day in my life is, either a full stop personified, or a chase scene from a very bad movie. I have people coming my way, with different ways to piss me off. Some prefer salsa, some cha cha cha, some even like to jive. In any case it’s all the same to me, because I provide the common dance floor, my NERVES!! If your thinking, this is just another blog, of someone insane nut, who thinks she is the only one on earth with problems that have no solutions, you are partly right. Although you get an A grade for precisely defining me and my blog in the first part of the sentence, I might have to fail you for thinking way too much for the latter. I am completely addicted to boredom, or maybe it’s the other way round. Either way we seem to be in this immature, teenage relationship, where neither can let go of the other. I seem to get bored of things way too easily. “Spanish…hmmm seems like an interesting language, I’ll start going for classes. Besides, it will look excellent on my CV.” 3 weeks later I find myself sitting at Mocha, ordering apple flavoured sheesha, when I’m supposed to be in class, HOLAing everyone, from my friends, to the waiters. I wont be shocked if I find myself standing at the edge of a cliff one day, completely harnessed, ready to bungee jump, and feel the adrenalin rush, and I tell the instructor, “Dude, I’m too bored…..lets go skydiving instead!” Nothing seems to excite me (nothing, except tequila shots of course) .
Another interesting aspect being, my LUCK, or what is more commonly known as HORSESHIT. Whatever it is I think of doing, whether it is the simplest, most futile activity, or entering the sudoku championships, luck seems to be in the other direction, watching, pointing, falling on the floor, and laughing it’s ass off. It’s hard to understand why things of this sort would happen to me. Now please don’t tell me I am the chosen one, and these are small tests and all that jazz, because if this by any remote possibility, is a test, then I want Hawaii as a reward. Every morning when I step out of the house and sit inside my car, the first song that my radio decides to blast, is any current Himmesh Reshammiya number. It’s a fact, and a proven one, that the minute I start driving, all the bad, drivers, and riders of the world, get a signal, which I’m assuming sounds like a big fire alarm, and at the sound of this alarm, all these people, born to TEST me, come on the streets I am traveling on. I’m happy to declare at this point, that me being the optimist that I am, which is quite evident from this post, have used all incidents, for my benefit, I have enlightened myself, by acquiring a PhD in, ABUSES in all different languages. And yes, I am very fluent in them now. So if you see a 19 year old girl, with her head out of the window if a red zen, going BEEP BEEP BEEP, please do say HI! Its not just the traffic, its also the people. I’m not so much a people person (which is why I am reconsidering the excellent career choice I’ve made—Psychology) and I don’t like people very easily. Just so that random, over-friendly people don’t make any attempts to try to know my zodiac sign and favourite colour, I give them hostile, snooty, I’ll-slit-your-wrist-if- you-smile-at-me vibe right from the beginning. So if we view this, the way I do, I am doing some good in this world. However, there are some pea-brained girls and a few guys too, who just won’t quit. These are types who believe God has A PLAN FOR THEM! They have been sent on earth, to spread joy, and love. Believe me, these are the one’s who endorse candle-making, interior designing and party planning, as a dignified job, that gives them both, monetary as well as mental satisfaction. Anyway, so as I was saying, that my killer looks and vibes (which believe me are very fatal) just don’t matter to this category, and they think it’s a wise idea to come and pull my cheeks, or put their arms around me, or CALL ME DARLING, OR BABY!!! Why????? Why would this happen to me. What happens to girls and guys of this menace of a category later on can’t be mentioned here, and you definitely don’t want to find out!
P.S--This post will be updated every once in awhile, perhaps under different titles, according to the author's wish.
A typical day in my life is, either a full stop personified, or a chase scene from a very bad movie. I have people coming my way, with different ways to piss me off. Some prefer salsa, some cha cha cha, some even like to jive. In any case it’s all the same to me, because I provide the common dance floor, my NERVES!! If your thinking, this is just another blog, of someone insane nut, who thinks she is the only one on earth with problems that have no solutions, you are partly right. Although you get an A grade for precisely defining me and my blog in the first part of the sentence, I might have to fail you for thinking way too much for the latter. I am completely addicted to boredom, or maybe it’s the other way round. Either way we seem to be in this immature, teenage relationship, where neither can let go of the other. I seem to get bored of things way too easily. “Spanish…hmmm seems like an interesting language, I’ll start going for classes. Besides, it will look excellent on my CV.” 3 weeks later I find myself sitting at Mocha, ordering apple flavoured sheesha, when I’m supposed to be in class, HOLAing everyone, from my friends, to the waiters. I wont be shocked if I find myself standing at the edge of a cliff one day, completely harnessed, ready to bungee jump, and feel the adrenalin rush, and I tell the instructor, “Dude, I’m too bored…..lets go skydiving instead!” Nothing seems to excite me (nothing, except tequila shots of course) .
Another interesting aspect being, my LUCK, or what is more commonly known as HORSESHIT. Whatever it is I think of doing, whether it is the simplest, most futile activity, or entering the sudoku championships, luck seems to be in the other direction, watching, pointing, falling on the floor, and laughing it’s ass off. It’s hard to understand why things of this sort would happen to me. Now please don’t tell me I am the chosen one, and these are small tests and all that jazz, because if this by any remote possibility, is a test, then I want Hawaii as a reward. Every morning when I step out of the house and sit inside my car, the first song that my radio decides to blast, is any current Himmesh Reshammiya number. It’s a fact, and a proven one, that the minute I start driving, all the bad, drivers, and riders of the world, get a signal, which I’m assuming sounds like a big fire alarm, and at the sound of this alarm, all these people, born to TEST me, come on the streets I am traveling on. I’m happy to declare at this point, that me being the optimist that I am, which is quite evident from this post, have used all incidents, for my benefit, I have enlightened myself, by acquiring a PhD in, ABUSES in all different languages. And yes, I am very fluent in them now. So if you see a 19 year old girl, with her head out of the window if a red zen, going BEEP BEEP BEEP, please do say HI! Its not just the traffic, its also the people. I’m not so much a people person (which is why I am reconsidering the excellent career choice I’ve made—Psychology) and I don’t like people very easily. Just so that random, over-friendly people don’t make any attempts to try to know my zodiac sign and favourite colour, I give them hostile, snooty, I’ll-slit-your-wrist-if- you-smile-at-me vibe right from the beginning. So if we view this, the way I do, I am doing some good in this world. However, there are some pea-brained girls and a few guys too, who just won’t quit. These are types who believe God has A PLAN FOR THEM! They have been sent on earth, to spread joy, and love. Believe me, these are the one’s who endorse candle-making, interior designing and party planning, as a dignified job, that gives them both, monetary as well as mental satisfaction. Anyway, so as I was saying, that my killer looks and vibes (which believe me are very fatal) just don’t matter to this category, and they think it’s a wise idea to come and pull my cheeks, or put their arms around me, or CALL ME DARLING, OR BABY!!! Why????? Why would this happen to me. What happens to girls and guys of this menace of a category later on can’t be mentioned here, and you definitely don’t want to find out!
P.S--This post will be updated every once in awhile, perhaps under different titles, according to the author's wish.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
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