Fair chance

She sat alone staring blankly at her cup of coffee and she knew, that today is going to be the test of her resilience. She could almost never say the things she planned to when it came to moments like these. Almost. How could things be so bad, when nothing really went wrong? Something must have been amiss and she vowed to figure out what that was. All she really needed to do was to make the decision for herself and everything would fall into place for her. She looked at her watch. He was already 20 minutes late. She picked up her phone to call him, to ask him where he was. But she didn't make that call. She knew that every call she made to him, made her feel worse because he just didn't know how to be polite. Another 10 minutes, and he walked in, oblivious to the fact that this was her second cup of coffee and she looked like she could cry any minute. He sat down, took off his shades and said, "Sorry. Got stuck up in some work. Man my life sucks." She looked at him, and assuming the role of an understanding ex-girlfriend said, "That's okay. You want something? I'm going to get myself another cup of coffee." He said, "No." It's little things like these that had all of a sudden started to spring up in her face. She thought, if this really was a guy who liked me as much as he said he did, wouldn't he have asked me what I wanted? Wouldn't he know how much I like my Cafe Latte, with a hazelnut flavour?
She came back to the table and noticed he was talking to someone on the phone. She sat across him, staring at him, and she thought of all the good times. The time he cooked for her, and the time he looked at her with love. The time when they fell asleep in each other's arms and the time when they laughed so hard at something that only the two of them understood, that they knew this is as good as it gets. She knew that she ought to have thought of the pain. Of how he didn't know anything about himself, and how he dragged her out of her comfort zone, only to leave her stranded in the middle of nowhere. " So? How are you?", he said as he hung up, and she just smiled and replied, " I've been better." She gave herself a countdown, before she began to tell him what she wanted to say. 3-2-1. She always did that in situations where she was nervous, and petrified of the consequence. And somehow it always worked for her. 3-2-1. "So, practicality is evil. I've always believed that when you like someone you work at spending all your time with them, because that seems like the natural course of action. You get past the silly details that somehow don't bother you anyway, and you feel the joy. Every little bit of it. And for some reason, the only choice of action now is being practical. I get it. It's to avoid pain. But here's the thing, I've never really been afraid of pain, definitely not as much as I am afraid of losing out on people I so blatantly love. You are a horrible person. You don't get me. You don't even care enough to pretend, and that is hurtful. But that is not what I wanted to say to you. I wanted to tell you how much I am going to miss everything about you. I can't put my life on hold, and well, obviously neither can you, but I just wish this hurt you as much as it hurts me. It's not nice that while I get to be a caffeine popping no-one, you get to be this casual. Like nothing ever happened in your life. Practicality has changed all the rules of life, that I so diligently followed, drastically. It doesn't work for me, and it sure as hell works for you. So, it's been really nice knowing you, and someday, hopefully, we will get our fair chance at being with each other. Until then, you will be missed." He looked at her, not knowing what to say. And she fumbled with her keys, and her bag, before she left, because she hoped that today would be different. That today for a change he would know what to say. But he didn't. As she walked away from him, she felt physically distant from him for the first time in her life, and as hurtful as that feeling was she was thanking her stars for it. As she sat in her car, clouded by a million thoughts in her head, she crossed her fingers and hoped this would mean clarity.

I Feel like Switzerland

I haven't felt like this in very long. Too long actually. So long that I have forgotten what it feels like to feel like Switzerland. People I call friends are useless. Solely ornamental. People who are friends but the ones I hardly ever call are the ones I miss the most when I feel like this. They know exactly how to make me feel like Germany, and that is only because they know the Adolf in me. I hate it when people give you reasons, and explanations. I don't want to hear them anymore. I would like to believe that at age 21...and rapidly reaching 22, we are beyond these reasons that really mean nothing. You know when you are pissed off at someone and you ask them why they did something, you don't really want to hear WHY!? You just want them to open their mouths so you can sock them in the face. Who here honestly wants to hear, " Actually I tried calling you but my battery died off!" or, " I felt like you would want some time off so I just kept away from you for weeks after I made that horrible mistake!" ? I have made up my mind about kick boxing. I am not taking it up to lose the extra kilos, or for self defense. I just want to kick some 'friendly' butt. Kick it all the way to Mars. Friends don't really have a purpose in life. They are there because, well some of them you decided to be friends with over a piece of candy they shared with you a million years ago, and some because you have a common enemy, or because you both got too drunk to actually remember the reason for this unbreakable bond! Pllllllllllleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaseeeeee!!!! I say commitments of any kind just tie you down. Like someone pointed out, ' All relationships are man made. There is absolutely nothing natural about it!' So, I don't think people should raise their eyebrows when I say, I am not OBLIGED, or for that matter no one is to take the responsibility to make and keep someone ELSE happy!
I mean, the world is cruel. It's hard to keep yourself happy, then why should one be asked to do the same for someone else too? Doesn't it seem unfair? I am battling every single day with thoughts that keep me awake like an Owl, and so do a lot of other people. Some people are disturbed by religion, others by recession, and maybe some by health. That's a lot of shit in itself. And in all this when people tell you, 'you are the only one who understands me, I don't know what I would do without you!' I can't help but feel like Switzerland on Coke.

What's Love got to do with it???

People I grew up with are getting married. They are taking the big plunge. The vows, the till death do us apart, the whole deal. And that scares me! I fall in love with way too many people. I feel like I am hogging the scene when it comes to falling in and soon enough out of love. When I look at my parents who have been married for almost 30 years now, I feel elated, because they managed to stand still against all odds. But, when I go out in my world again, I feel like a fool. All the hope vanishes into thin air and what remains, is this over-powering uncertainity. Hope, like Love I think is a useless emotion. I don't mean I don't believe in Love anymore, but does the whole, love lasts forever concept still stand? Or are we just fooling ourselves? Is it really possible to go through 30 years of your life with one partner, who slowly but surely turn into your worst nightmare? I really want monogamy to happen for me, but I am scared that it just might never! I remember joking about this with my friends a couple of years ago. I used to tell them, how I want to marry a couple of times so that the excitement never goes away, but really do we have the strength to do this for the rest of our lives? The meeting for a coffee...the messaging at all odd hours...the subtle and not so subtle flirting....the first kiss...the first fight..and the last fight! Does love slowly turn into compromise...and finally into tolerance? Does the fact that we have been together for too long count at the end of the day, when we can't spend 5 minutes with each other? Or is this just a part of what we have been told is LOVE?
It doesn't take a scientist to discover that love pretty much takes the backseat after a certain point. Then I wonder, what it is that still keeps us together? If only there was some way to know why and how people who are together..are together! Life would have been so simple. With every passing year, you become less perfect and more human. And with the license to vote and drink (not together!), comes the maturity. And with the maturity comes the understanding of the complications of life.
I guess, the fun part is finding all this out on your own. And keeping it to yourself. So that a couple of years later, there will be another love-struck moron with an identity crisis, trying to figure out...What's love got to do with it?!?