TOODLES!

Good-bye friends! I am scheduled to leave for the land of the sizzling sun, beautiful beaches and cheap alcohol, in approximately 3 hours, i.e, 4 a.m!!! And I absolutely can't wait to reach! I'll miss you earthlings, as I embark upon this journey to heaven!!!!!! weeeheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Finding myself in a cookbook....

Whether you believe me or not there is an annoying side to a grandma. She is not always the one who tells you bedtime stories and makes the best food in the world, or the one who knits you the warmest sweater in the world, or the one who gives you the best oil massage in the world. Sometimes she is just plain annoying. She always treats you like a baby, always tells you what to do, looks at you like you are an alien if you wear jeans for some pooja, and if you dare to walk in front of her in a strappy spaghetti, that's the end of all mankind, for all the Bhagwad Gita's and all the Bible's and the Quran's then come out of the closets and the God is summoned in different languages, just so that, miraculously, a polo neck sweater falls on you and covers your body!!!
My Granny is not as exaggerated as I made all the others out to be, but she isn't very different either. She is almost 5 feet tall, almost 50 kgs, and she almost always forgets what we tell her. She blames me for not tellin her things even if she forgets them herself, and feels , almost insulted everytime I'm not at home for lunch or dinner, and holds it against me until I come home for my next meal and she gets a chance to over-serve me again! She wants to do everything she is told not to, and with every growing year, she is becoming a stubborn, lovable, child, who sometimes just gets on your nerves! She shouts at me sometimes just because she wants some attention, and repeats the same thing a 100 million times, and more until I do it in front of her own eyes!
It was one of those days, when she had told me to do something trivial for the 1500th time already, and I was minutes away from literally pulling out my hair and doing the rain dance, when I found myself.....in a cookbook. She was sitting close to me, looking for new recipes in her almost ancient cookbook, when she took out a little red envelope from page number 159, 'aluchi vadi'. She asked me to look at what she took out of that red envelope. It was an old photograph of me and her on a nice, calm beach in Goa. It was her, younger, stronger, still almost 5 feet and almost 50 kgs, with a big, happy smile, and eyes fixated on me, small, chubby, almost 3 feet, and not to forget, a hilarious hat! When I looked up at her, the only thing she said was, "You and me!" and the only thing I could do to hide my tears was to mask it with a big, happy, smile.

NICE-ITY!

First of all, NICE-ity is not a word, so don't strain your mind, you all are still intelligent. This is just a thing I have been doing for awhile now, and I recently found out it's called neologism! Cool no? An art as stupid as creating your own words and using them on a regular basis, actually has a name of it's own and an identity of it's own in Psychology! Do Not Worry. This entire post is not about this interesting art so please read on.
Sometimes, I am really shocked by the nice-ity in people. In this cynical world, full of cynical people and cynical values there are some genuinely nice people and their existance really shocks me! Now I don't mean to be a preacher here, by saying there are some people who help the homeless and others who take care of the stray dogs, and some who donate extravagantly to charities. I mean the everyday, daily, mediocre, mundane nice-ity! I mean when a person you know allows you to park your car in her parking space anytime of the day or night, just because of your silly insecurities about your car being stolen, it's nice! Or when a friend, who has the prerogative to study whenever she wants wraps up her studies as soon as possible just so that she can lend you the text one day before the exams, it's nice! And when a friend buys you pens minutes before the exams, even when you can't and doesn't even remind you of the money, it's nice! Or when a friend comforts you by entertaining all your frantic calls right before the exam even when in reality your just wasting her time, it's nice! And when a friend spends hours to bake an extra yummy chocolate cake with gems on them just for your birthday because you can't stop talking about the advantages of chocolates in life constantly and are not so subtle with hints, it's really nice! And when a friend walks with you from one place to another in the hot sun to complete YOUR work (even when her work is done), while listening to your insane abuses about the education system, it's nice!
And it's shocking that in my twisted, little life I managed to meet such really everyday, daily, mediocre, mundane and insane NICE people! Love you guys.

Still don't believe me?

Another entry in the 'My life sucks and all bad luck is directed towards me by God for some weird reason which no one can explain' daily journal.
Yesterday night when I was studying for my dreadful spanish exam, there was a robbery in my parking, the bloody ruthless bastards stole the stereo from my zen and my honda city. There are 5 cars in my parking of which two are ours and yet the only two cars that were brutally attacked were ours. I don't mean to be mean to the other car owners, but just thought of taking this opportunity to point out the irony in my life. Some people say it's just a sad coincidence, but these are the people who deserve to be electrocuted because they don't know the frequency with which these sad coincidences occur in my life. For all the criminal minds who care to know how this was done, let me tell you it was a job done with perfection. The guy was a professional, and that was quite evident from the way the window was not cracked but lifted out of the crevice(forgive me if that is not the technical term) and kept aside. I went with my mom to the local police station and we lodged a complaint. We needed the official FIR to submit it to the insurance guys and so when we asked the cops for it, he said, in his own special way, "arey khaane ke baad ekdum hazam hota hai kya???" Me and my mom didn't know how to respond so we just gave him our 'family confused look' and he explained, that we would get the same on monday. The other cop there, the suck-up cop, the one who brings the tea and makes the paan cop, and the one who laughs at every non joke of the 'digestion' cop, said "arey madam wo log 100(sau) ki cheez 10 (dus) me bechta madam, 10 me!!!! kuch mehnat nahi karneka na" Anyway, mom and me knew that we are never going to see our stereo systems again. However out of this I just have one small prayer, that I wish those guys get caught and even if they have sold my stereos for 10, I just hope they get run over by a truck in front of my eyes. No matter how brutal and anti-christish I may sound making this request, 'no me importa' because we service sector people also work hard for our luxuries and it should most definitely not be some shitty ass bastards cheap thrill to steal us off our hard work! There, the first statement pertaining to morality (of many to come mind you) on this blog!
Oh and by the way, gave my spanish written exam this morning, I THINK it was ok, but I dont know for sure, because my answers could most definitely be complete ass talk!!! But the nightmare isn't over yet, as the orals are tomorrow! So, I guess until then I just have to 'Dream On'

This morning I woke up from a horrid dream. Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek were there, even Antonio Banderas was in it, and yet it was a nightmare! It started with me taking a stroll on an extremely crowded street, like Karve road is, and just enjoying the freshly emitted pollutants. When all of a sudden, a sleek, black, Italian car swerves through the traffic, and as I watch enviously, it stops right in front of me after an elaborate skid, and I say to myself, in my head of course, "SHOW OFF!" Before I get time to think any further, the doors swing open and a strong, hairy hand pulls me inside the car, and no one around offers to help (yes I notice trivial issues even in such dire situations) . I look around to find Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz staring at me with a weird grin. I look ahead to see who is driving us and where we are going, but to my horror there is no driver, the car is working automatically (bloody Italian technology, competing with the Germans!). The weird grins turn into evil laughs! Salma and Penelope start conversing with one another in Spanish, not knowing that I'm learning the language too ( ha ha suckers!!). But, their accent is too strong and their speed is too fast for me to decipher what exactly they said. So much for false spanish pride! What I did understand from their serious tone was that they were pissed off!
I look out of the window, constantly telling myself, "Relax, you just won some competition, they are taking you to the Oscars as a special guest." However, I notice that the only restaurant I can see outside is Taco Bell! I suddenly realise how hungry I am. I think to myself that maybe I will ask Salma and Penelope for a quick snack, in spanish to impress them. I think hard. Harder. In vain. Can't form a sentence, so I supress my hunger. The car suddenly stops. Penelope and Salma poke me from the side, signalling me to get out of the car. I feel a dry, hot breeze on my face and look around to find myself in a place that looked a lot like the set of Desperado. I hear footsteps, so I look up and find Antonio smiling at me while eating a taco. He moves aside, to expose a dug up grave. Utterly shocked, I slowly move closer to the grave to read what is written on the headstone, and I scream in horror to read the following words,
' Shweta Shahade
1987-2007
This is what you get for not attending Span........'
At this point I woke up. Most of my friends analysed this as a pre-exam anxiety, but I think it was plain old hunger!
Oh yes! If you all are wondering whose strong, hairy hand it was afterall, it was Salma. Go watch Frida, you won't blame me for thinking this way after you see her eyebrows in that movie!!!!

I PLEAD GUILTY

It is past 2 a.m, even the dogs outside have stopped howling at each other. My exams are scheduled to begin in less than 2 weeks. I made big mistakes by asking the wrong people, " How are studies going on?" The guilt is eating me alive. There are voices in my head telling me to pick up my economics notes and start reading about public expenditure, but my ass says otherwise. These voices have been troubling me for a very long time. I thought maybe I will share this problem with some friends and they can tell me what to do, share some pearls of wisdom. Bad idea. If only I knew Oscar Wilde or Socrates, instead of people who say, "Arey then study na.", or, " Hmmmmmmm". Getting back to the guilt. I try with all honesty to pick up my book. I explain to myself the consequences, I walk around, from the room to the living room, to the kitchen. That is when I find the solution to my problems, the midnight snack. It is that guilt-free act that ate all the guilt and let me have a peaceful, contented sleep, without any demons creeping under my bed.

Fitness FREAKS!

Observing people of different species (read on, you’ll get what I mean) at your gym can be a very enlightening experience. It provides a deep insight into their lives, and reveals their deepest, darkest secrets. Ok, I maybe exaggerating just a little bit. But, nonetheless it’s a fun activity, and a weird invasion of someone else’s privacy, and they can’t sue you for it!
First of all let me establish, I do not enjoy gym or any other activity that involves movement for that matter. I consider enrolling myself for gym as one of my biggest mistakes in life for which, believe you me I am repenting! Diets are another story altogether. I am against the concept of ‘dieting’ and I just cannot understand why there are people who eat a pea for breakfast, a glass of fresh juice for lunch and a grape for dinner (without any ‘in between’ snacks of course!) and honestly I don’t want to find out why either!
1) THE YOU-WILL-NEVER-SEE-ME-AGAIN SPECIES:
This kind usually includes AUNTIES who roam around the gym in apprehension. They derive their name from the fact that after the first day of workout they never come back! This type is more often than not coaxed by their better halves (so to say!) to get FIT! However, after the first day of working out, and sweating it out, and pumping some iron, they find their bodies worth much more, and decide to stay at home since then. The easiest way to know who falls under this category, is to spot the people with an unusual amount of sweat on their forehead, most of which is out of anxiety of first day of gym, and the one’s who are dressed in the most expensive, perfect gym clothes.
2) THE JLO-IS-JEALOUS-OF-ME SPECIES:
First of all, to observe this kind you have to master the art of subtle observation, and straight face keeping! If you want to hear the entire conversation (for educational purpose of course) you must be capable of the aforementioned qualities. Now, this species is constantly found conversing with others pf their own kind. They have the innate ability to recognize a decrease or increase in the weight of the others. They live on discussing recipes of different salads and juices. The members of this clan are fairly easy to spot, as they always walk in groups, and look like they are on an all-time endorphins high! However to really enjoy this species and to completely invade their privacy, one must listen to their conversation, which is pretty much on only one topic (no prize for guessing!). “Oh my God! I don’t understand what you eat! Do you survive on air?! You’re so lucky you got jaundice, you could lose all those extra vacation pounds!” says one wannabe, who will never be JLO to another. To know more of such priceless conversations, join a gym!
3) THE FLIRTINI-SHAKEN AND STIRRED SPECIES:
This species is the most difficult to observe, as while you are observing them you lose all sense and sensibility of yourself. So if you plan to observe this kind, take someone along with you, who can rush you to the loo, if the urge to throw up becomes uncontrollable. As the name suggests, this is the kind who think of the gym as a place to socialize. They flirt with the instructors in a manner that suggests, there is no tomorrow, so act as frivolous as you can. And mind you, this flirting is not at all subtle. It is completely in-your-face blatant for the enjoyment of people like me. This kind wears eye-liner, eye-shadow, kohl, long dangling earrings and the most lethal-LIP GLOSS, while working out. The easiest way to spot this species is to look in the direction of the loudest, shrillest laugh.
4) THE I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT SPECIES:
The members of this species were away, looking into a mirror when God was distributing brains. This kind is not so easy to find, because on the exterior they all look like normal beings, but once they encounter a mirror, it’s a whole new form! However, this makes them easy subjects for observation, as the only thing they notice is themselves! This species is found to be extremely self-indulgent and seen to appreciate their bodies in front of mirrors at every opportunity they get. They pose, smile, and flex their muscles in front of the mirror, and some even talk to themselves. If they do not look into a mirror for a fairly long time, it can be quite fatal and hence are seen to go back and forth to the mirror every now and then. The easiest way to look for them is to stand somewhere close to a mirror and wait for the subject to come there himself/herself.

P.S.- These are just a few of many different species that you come across at your gym. To know some more, please do not JOIN a gym, and pay the people there to torture you. Just read this blog for updates ;)